“Good manners must be inspired by the good heart. There is no beautifier of complexion, or form, or behavior, like the wish to scatter joy and not pain around us.”
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Do you sometimes wonder where all the kindness, caring and considerate behavior have all gone? Are you also bothered by the lack of good manners, the careless talk, and the rudeness displayed by some of your co-employees and even managers?
Thank God for the following initiatives by:
1) Dr. P.M. Forni of Johns Hopkins University, who co-founded the Johns Hopkins Civility Project and who wrote two blockbuster books, “Choosing Civility” and “The Civility Solution”; and
2) the Association of Image Consultants International (AICI), which adopted Dr. Forni’s Civility Code of Conduct and launched the Civility Counts Project in order to spread civility worldwide thru the Civility Ambassadors Program.
PMAP (People Management Association of the Philippines) was one of the first organizations in the country which endorsed AICI’s Civility Awareness Month in May. The PMAP Board, led by President Schubert Caesar “Bong”Austero, approved the resolution and signed our organization’s pledge to observe civility during the month of May.
During PMAP’s Strategic Planning held in July at the PMAP Center, the Good Governance Committee endorsed civility as one of the core competencies to be included in our organization’s good governance proposal to Congress. Now, that’s what I call commitment.
The essence of civility can be interpreted in one simple sentence—“Treat others the way you want to be treated.”—which is the golden rule.
Dr. Forni’s code of conduct is based on the three R’s: Respect, Restraint, and Responsibility. The world needs it now more than ever, because of all the rudeness going on around us.
What actually causes rudeness? The results of a survey sponsored by Johns Hopkins University revealed that there are three basic reasons why people become rude:
Stress – The demands on our time and attention have become overwhelming for most of us, and these have made us feel trapped. When more work is given to us, the more we tend to get short-tempered.
Unhappiness – Most people managers might not realize that each employee comes to work with his personal concerns. When emotions are involved, it becomes very difficult for people to stay calm. Even an innocent remark can trigger a rude reaction from a troubled individual.
Feeling rushed – Deadlines, changing schedules, and demands from bosses, co-employees and clients can also become a big burden to sensitive people. For some, it could even bring on a shouting bout.
An American author, Roberta Cava, in her book “Handling Difficult People” wrote:
“There is really no difficult person. A seemingly difficult person, when moved to a different time, place, and situation, can become gentle, pleasant, and easy to get along with.”
We do need to pause and discover where a person is coming from before we pass judgment on his words and actions.
An American seminar leader and motivational speaker wrote how he rediscovered this principle. During one of his public seminars, he noticed a man who was seated up front and who was intermittently closing his eyes every few minutes. After an hour, he became bothered and moved closer to the man to find out why he was constantly closing his eyes. At that point, he overheard the man telling his seatmate, “My doctor warned me not to attend this seminar because I just had an eye surgery a few days ago. I resisted his warning because I have been dreaming of listening to our speaker for a long time. I could not miss this opportunity, so he relented and made me promise to close my eyes every few minutes, to avoid too much strain and even blindness.” You can imagine the chagrin that the speaker felt. Here he was, talking about holding judgment on other people, yet he himself was tempted to pass judgment as well.
It takes restraint, willpower, and practice to withhold judgment on other people, but anyone who will master this philosophy will reap abundant rewards. He will not only create goodwill and build smooth relationships, he will also be known for being even-tempered and cool-headed. As a result, people will consult him, and he will most likely be elected to leadership positions in any organization.
The book by Christine Pearson and Christine Porath entitled “The Cost of Bad Behavior: How Incivility is Damaging Your Business and What to Do About It” cites that corporate America has borne astonishing losses of up to $300 billion a year because of incivility. More than half of the victims of incivility in the workplace leave their employers as a result of bad treatment.
I would not be surprised at all that, if a similar survey will be done in Asia and elsewhere in the world, said surveys would yield the same results.
An article from PRWeb, entitled “What It’s Worth – How Bad Behavior At Work Affects More than Morale,” refers to the book of Christine Pearson and Christine Porath, which reveals that employees who feel they have been rudely treated will naturally inflict purposeful or accidental harm on their organizations by evoking justice in various forms…at their employers’ expense.
At the CPBI (Canadian Pension & Benefits Institute) Forum 2011 held in Vancouver, Canada last May 18-20, 2011, with the theme “The Power of Civility,” it was shown that problem managers are a big problem, according to a survey done by the Canadian HR Reporter, as revealed in a published article. The insight gathered from the forum was that lack of training and awareness was at the root of problem behavior.
One of the most common forms of rudeness comes in the guise of sarcastic remarks passed off as dry wit. Sadly, it has become accepted or ignored even at the highest levels of government offices and private organizations, and very little has been done to correct it. It is an opportune time to remember Proverbs 12:14 “From the fruit of his lips a man is filled with good things as surely as the work of his hands rewards him.” The man who is careful with his words and how it impacts on others is a man who is far from trouble.
How do we react to rudeness then? By practicing civility. The good book tells us in Romans 12: 17-18 “Do not repay evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
A story is told of how Leonardo da Vinci had a bitter rival, another painter who was a sworn enemy, and how much they hated each other. Leonardo painted his enemy’s face as the face of Judas when he painted the legendary Sistine Chapel. When he tried to paint the face of Jesus, he could not get the inspiration to do it. After reflecting on his temporary lack of inspiration, he realized that when he vented his hatred for his enemy by painting his enemy’s face as the face of Judas, he literally dried up his spirit. He, thus, erased Judas’ face and replaced it with an imaginary face. Only then did he get the inspiration to paint the face of Jesus.
It is undeniable that we are often subjected to various degrees of stress and feelings of being rushed, and that we experience some form of discontent at different times of our lives. These, of course, can lead to negative thinking, rude language, and bad behavior.
As we ponder on these realities, let us recall the prayer of St. Francis of Assissi:
“Lord, let me be an instrument of your peace, where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy. Oh, Divine Master, grant that I may not seek so much to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.”
We can be the solution to the growing concern on incivility. We can be the peacemaker in times of conflict, and we can be the cheerful heart that heals the wounded spirit.
Let us refresh the hearts and minds of those around us. Let us start embracing and practicing civility.
